Fearfest

I haven’t written here for a few days – I’ve been too busy breathing into a paper bag, metaphorically speaking. The universe is pressing my buttons like a strongman on a fairground high striker. It has said: ‘You have issues with money and a fear of going broke? Try this for size…’ WHACK!

Okay, so I am being a bit dramatic, but in the same week that I ditched my biggest client, a long-running campaign came to an end and another client had a nervous breakdown and admitted she couldn’t pay me for two months work I have already done. Then my roof started leaking and the bill is £15,000.

So yeah. Yikes and all that.

BUT, I know what I really am now and I don’t have to stick to the old story. If I can remain calm as money is pouring out of my bank account like water down a drain, then my fear of destitution will grow weaker.

When work has dipped in the past, as it does when you’ve been freelance for nearly three decades, I’ve scurried around frantically taking on any bits of low paid work that come my way. I still haven’t done that yet, so hooray for me. I also realised that whilst I once only dated men who weren’t into me so that I could work hard to win their love, I do the same with work.  I attract clients who don’t appreciate my worth and then I drive myself into the ground trying to win their approval. Total. Waste. Of. Time.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not lying on a lilo and filing my nails, in fact, I have been to two trade shows this week and have another tomorrow. It’s a health and wellness event and as I am on the lookout for conscious clients, it seems like the place to be. In hindsight though, I wish I hadn’t booked three events in one week. Big mistake. I am exhausted.

I’ve also written the second chapter of my book based on this blog. Tick.

The whole money thing is so fascinating. Marion has asked us to record every penny that comes in or leaves our bank account for 30-days. This has put the fear of God into me as SO much is going out, not much is coming in and very little of it is spent on anything that is just for me. There’s money on petrol, dog poo bags, groceries, water bills, energy bills, mobile phone bills (for myself and the three teens) etc. I am supposed to be putting 10% of my earnings into a ‘fun’ account, but as there is not much coming in, the fun levels are wavering somewhat. Still, they do say that the best things in life are free.

It’s left me thinking. What the hell do you do if you are reduced to surviving on benefits? I do not know how anybody does it. My kids go through shoes so quickly and each pair is fifty quid – they all have enormous feet! And they eat so much. Then there’s all their extra-curricular activities. They are money pits.

On the upside, my 19-year-old son has job! Hurrah! He has been made a student ambassador at his uni and they will pay him £10.55 an hour. There is a danger that he is going to be earning more than me if the universe doesn’t put some paid work my way shortly, but joking aside, I am thrilled. This time last year, he was at home doing nothing. He didn’t have enough A’Levels for university and he lacked the motivation to look for a job. Today, he is a different person. I love seeing him so happy – it was one of the things on my list of wants at the start of 2019.

These kids of mine are bloody expensive, but they are also my greatest work. Time for a self-congratulatory pat on the back and a power nap I think.

 

 

 

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