At the end of her group meditation sessions my spiritual mentor Marion says to us ‘What does your soul want you to know?’ I usually get the answer to this question in picture form and on the last two occasions, I got an egg, a hen’s egg complete with shell to be precise.
What did it mean? Is it that I have the potential to become a fully fledged chicken? Should I be eating more eggs? Throwing them at someone? Why is my higher self so flaming cryptic?
The answer came when I wasn’t thinking about it. I need to get used to having egg on my face, metaphorically speaking.
At the four-day silent retreat, it struck me that I have a morbid fear of failure. I have to succeed, be the best, win every argument and God forbid if I ever happen to look foolish. This is no way to go about life because it heaps pressure upon my poor shoulders – they literally ache with the strain of it all.
I had this realisation whilst I was walking the labyrinth – it’s not a real one with a minotaur at its core, it’s a kind of meditation. You take a stone which represents the question you want to ask (I wanted to know how I could get rid of my increasingly frequent headaches) and then you walk the labyrinth.
Five minutes in, I wondered if I was going too slowly. Should I speed up or would that look stupid. Then, I suspected I’d gone the wrong way. Why was it taking so long? I started to sweat. I was fearful. Was I failing the labyrinth?
Doh! You can’t fail the labyrinth and Gillian Lenane, a colleague of Marion’s who had created this one out of shiny stones in a vast room at Buckland Hall, explained that all it does is reflect the truth back at you. I had my answer. The headaches are caused by a fear of failure.
I know it, but now I need to live it, hence the egg that my higher self came up. I have to practice being wrong, messing up and looking like a fool, for I can only truly succeed if I am prepared to be the world’s biggest loser.
I was about to write that it will be tough, but maybe it won’t. I’ve just got to let go of old beliefs and stories. For anyone who knows me, this will be a good time to pick fights, show me up or beat me at anything. Frankly, the eggier my face gets, the better!