The worry monster

Marion does love her themes and today is #worryfreeWednesday. It’s the second time she’s asked me to stop worrying for a full 24-hours, or not at all if I can manage it, but frankly that is way beyond my current capabilities. The worry monster never leaves my side.

I’ve been a worrier for as long as I can remember. School trips, the dentist, having to speak up in class…they all made me feel sick with nerves as a kid. I am better as an adult, but still fret about finances, work, my kids, parents etc. I tend to get caught in a vortex of worry and once I am in it, it takes a monumental effort to climb out.

My father is having immunotherapy today and the notion of a worry free Wednesday became an even harder task when my sister messaged me with the list of side effects…jaundice, hepatitis, diabetes, sickness etc. I swear the oncologist failed to mention any of these. I fear this could finish Dad off…but that is lapsing into worry, isn’t it?

Earlier, I managed to meditate for five minutes in a secondary school reception while my daughter was being shown around by the head of sixth form. I touched the inner bliss that I first discovered during a silent retreat; it was only fleeting, but incredibly reassuring.

I am doing another day long silent retreat on Saturday and am longing for it. Hopefully, I will part ways with worry and dive into the quiet for the duration. I may have to dash to Dad’s afterwards, but that’s okay because I will be fortified by silence.

If you haven’t had a chance to listen to my podcast with Marion, please do if you are at all interested in knowing why silence and stillness are so important for the soul.

I used to wonder what Marion was going on about when she warbled on about the infinite stillness and silence inside her. She’d only need to spend 5 minutes in our house to know that none of these things were on my agenda.

But once you’ve been quiet for long enough and have actually felt that oasis of calm that lurks deep inside, you never go back. It doesn’t matter how shit life gets, I always know it’s there somewhere even if I can’t see, feel or touch it. Marion says that with practice, it becomes easier to access and it is that and that alone that keeps me going along this spiritual path. Okay, yes, I want to get better at attracting money into my life too, but it’s not my top priority.

In case you were wondering, my morning shower was sensational thanks to the new luxury towels, although my husband moaned ‘They are not as good at drying as those thin white ones you get in gyms.’ White towels in this gaff? He’s having a laugh…

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