Meet my misery

Here he is. My misery. Yesterday, during the meditation at Marion’s monthly group, I imagined him clambering out of my chest and squelching around the room. He smells as if he has emerged from a stagnant pond, he drips with disgusting goo and is followed by a swarm of bluebottles. He walked around our meditation circle and when he met a fellow bundle of dark emotions, he grew in size, but at other times, when I relaxed, he shrank.

He never went away though. He is all I can feel and nothing can get through because he is blocking my emotional pipework. My feelings aren’t flowing as they normally would. I am in need of some spiritual plumbing.

According to Marion, he is one of two things – either I don’t want to let him go because he serves me in some way or he is around because there is something even worse that I don’t want to experience. Knowing this, hasn’t helped me shift him one iota.

I’m getting used to him now; sometimes he is a low rumble in the background and at other times, he is right there in my face, demanding attention. Cadbury’s mini eggs, Netflix and dark humour seem to chase him away, but not permanently. Like The Terminator, he keeps on coming back.

I have a call with Marion next week and am hoping she might help me clear the blockage. Or perhaps I have to do it by myself. He’s been in residence for two weeks now and I am getting really bored of his company. Knowing that I invited him to stay in the first place makes it even worse. Why would I want to hang out with him when I could be throwing shapes on the dance floor with joy, love and hope?

The last time he moved in like this was decades ago, when I was in my 20s and hated my job working on a tabloid newspaper. I loathed the stress and felt like a fish out of water. I quit the job and went freelance, which turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. Is this my unconscious mind’s way of telling me that it’s time to make more changes on the career front? That scares the hell out of me and brings up the fear that I will never work again and am doomed to destitution and homelessness – this is ironic, seeing as my husband and I actually own three properties. But that’s just it. If you have issues with money and see a malevolent universe, it doesn’t matter how much you have in the bank because it will never be enough.

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