I have a phone call scheduled with my spiritual mentor Marion tomorrow, to talk about my feelings of failure, but as with every emotion, it proved transitory. What will we talk about now? Suddenly, I feel like a failure at feeling like a failure…
It’s true, I had been feeling like a failure, but at the weekend, I was concerned about my Dad’s ill health and the worry simply burnt through any other emotions I was experiencing. I couldn’t think about myself any more, all I felt was a gnawing sense of dread.
As it happens, he looked a whole lot better when I pitched up, thanks to the anti-sickness pills I begged the nurses to give him. They did the trick and he even managed to down a pint of green juice made by my own fair hand. It contained an entire bag of kale and was as green as Ireland, so it must be good for him.
I took him for a spin round the corridors in a wheelchair and even gave him a blast of fresh air by the main entrance. That’s about as exciting as it gets at the hospital and it’s a wonder he hasn’t died of boredom. He is praying that he will be allowed home this week.
In other news, I went for a walk with a friend who is also trying to be more spiritual. We are equal in our fuckedupness so it was useful to vent my frustrations. I explained that I struggle with this concept of a higher power much more when my life is a bit rickety. It’s so much easier when things are going well to believe that I am being looked over by a benign force.
The trouble is, the control freak in me hasn’t done such a great job of sorting out my life. Yes, I have MANY things to be thankful for, but I feel there is something missing to such an extent, I have sought out a spiritual mentor and the whole point of spirituality, is believing in the existence of a higher power.
It’s just so damned hard to place your trust in something you can’t see, hear, smell or touch. I have felt something though. The inner bliss that was there after my first 6-hour silent retreat that does occasionally prick through the fog of my ego-driven mind, usually when I am marvelling at nature.
I would ask for a sign, but I have had so many that I’ve written off as coincidence. I’m sure if I saw the sea part or the sun disappear, I’d put it down to too much caffeine. If only faith were something you could buy online, but nothing that’s really worth having is ever that simple is it?