iAnonymous

 

Is there an iAnon group? There should be for I think I need a 12 step programme to cure me of my reliance on igizmos. I spent 24-hours with no iPad, iPhone or iMac yesterday at a silent retreat and let me tell you, i was in a right old state.

It didn’t help that my dad is poorly. My husband had the telephone number for the centre I was staying at, so I knew people could get in touch with me if they needed, but in the silence I feared that family members wouldn’t want to disturb me if there was an emergency.

And then my mind turned to clients – what if so and so is desperately trying to get hold of me re a social media post, what if such and such is annoyed because I haven’t checked to see if their payment has gone into my bank account? What if, what if, what if….

My mind was a maelstrom and somewhere during the day, I worked out that I am addicted to stress, which in turn, stressed me out even more.

I looked at the nuns. They didn’t appear stressed at all. They moved about the place silently, smiling beatifically. They’re on team God and know there is nothing to worry about.

There is nothing for me to worry about either, not really. My stressful life is entirely my creation. My parents had a stressful life and I’ve just gone and copied them…it appears that my siblings have too.

How do I break my addiction to stress? To the adrenaline kick it delivers and which I seem to crave? I wonder.

The one message I am getting from all this spiritual work, is that I need to love myself. If I truly care about myself as much as say, my kids, then I wouldn’t put myself under undue stress. I wouldn’t say ‘yes’ when I really mean ‘no’, I wouldn’t take on tricky clients for fear of never working again and I wouldn’t fill my diary with endless meetings and appointments.

I meditated a lot yesterday, so much, I’m surprised I wasn’t levitating by the end of it. I had no mystical experiences or huge insights. There was one moment though, when my eight-year-old self appeared in my mind’s eye. She was afraid and as I looked into her eyes, I felt a surge of love. It was so intense, it brought me to tears. Hmmmm, come to think of it, even though it felt ‘small’ at the time, it was pivotal, a sign that I am starting to love myself after all. Perhaps I should switch the iStuff off more often.

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